Dang, I’ve really been sucking at posting.
OK. Where to start? I did end up having a consult with Dr. March. He sounded very positive about my chances to clear out the scarring and have a usable uterine lining, but he asked me to get an ultrasound to check my lining around ovulation. Since my period has been pretty regular even with all of my issues, I scheduled an ultrasound and then… my period never really started. I had some spotting for a day, and no cramping, and that was it. Of course, I took a pregnancy test, and of course it was negative. I went to my ultrasound as scheduled, although it was at the regular radiology clinic and not a women’s clinic or infertility clinic. Apparently, you’re supposed to be more modest at a normal radiology clinic. I just got undressed and hopped up on the table and couldn’t figure out what to do with all the extra fabric they gave me. Apparently you’re supposed to cover yourself up really well. Oopsies.
Anyway, the doctor called me with the results a few days later – she didn’t even bother to tell me what the lining was, she just told me my fibroids are back and it sounds like I’m starting menopause. I’m not entirely convinced about that, but my identical twin sister went and got her AMH and FSH levels checked in case my uterus was repairable and we needed an egg donor (since she has a naturally-conceived 3-year-old), and they were bad. Not REALLY bad – her FSH was still lower than mine had ever been, but it was still high, and her AMH was pretty low. So that’s probably a no-go.
I’m pretty upset that this whole “trying to start a family” thing that ended up with me having a uterus that is incapable of carrying a baby but more than capable of causing excruciating pain on a monthly basis cost me so much money and time, and now I’m right back where I started. Except in addition to fibroids and DOR, I now have Asherman’s and possibly endometriosis too.
So I decided to wait and see if my period would ever come, and last night, it started again. It has been over two months since my last period, but this one seems perfectly normal for my Asherman’s-era uterus – a small to moderate amount of blood and lots of cramping. I’m really not sure what to do now. I don’t want any more surgeries unless they’re going to make things better.
On the private adoption front – we ran out of profile books AGAIN. I decided we should update a few pictures, since we have some newer pictures of us, and I’m having a really hard time deciding if we should include photos with former foster kids (with their parents’ permission, of course). On the one hand, it would be nice to show what the reality of raising these kids but still being childless looks like, and to show how supportive we are of continuing relationships with bio families. On the other hand, I don’t know if it would look like we’re “using” the kids for our own gain, which I obviously want to avoid. For now, we’ve decided not to use pictures of former foster kids, except one or two where you can see one of us is using a baby backpack but you can’t actually see the baby.
On the fostering front, there’s a good chance we will be able to adopt our current baby! I’m terrified to write that, because until it’s final, anything can happen. The judge ruled to stop reunification services back in January. The ruling was contested and went to trial in February, and the parents lost, although visits would continue until the hearing to terminate parental rights. I was not in court, but apparently the judge was pretty angry with the parents and told them if they missed one more visit, that was it, no more visits. And two weeks ago, they missed another visit, so for now, we don’t have to do visits anymore, which is my absolute least favorite part of foster care. One of the grandmothers was apparently trying to get the baby, although from what I’ve heard it’s possible she may not be eligible, and even if she is, she would still have to do all of the same training and background checks and home inspections and home studies that we did, which I don’t believe she has even started, and she would have to convince the judge that she would be the best option since it’s so late in the game, and the social worker didn’t think that was likely.
So now the only thing we can really do is wait and hope. The next hearing is in two months, and it’s likely to be contested and go to trial, and I have no idea how long that will take. I love this baby more than anything in the whole world, and she has become so attached to me that I can’t get anything done at home because she wants my full and undivided attention at all times, preferably while I’m holding her. I wouldn’t mind, except that I do in fact have to still keep the house running and the people and animals fed, and deal with all of the crises that keep popping up.
Speaking of which, poor D’s family is getting hit with all kinds of difficulties right now. His grandfather’s health has been slowly declining for the last two years or so, and he’s really taken a turn for the worse. He has been in the hospital for almost a week and it’s not looking good at all, so D has been driving there (over an hour away with no traffic) about every other day. His dad is having major brain surgery next week, which he desperately needs and has been waiting months to get, and his poor mom is now caught between all of this. I’m doing my best to hold down the fort so D can be wherever he needs to be to support his family, but my job is really demanding right now, the baby isn’t sleeping nearly as well as she should be, and my poor kitty is in complete kidney failure and needs fluids three times a week.
I’m feeling like I need a vacation.